That's it: I quit drinking alcohol

The first step is the hardest. I decided to quit drinking on December 27th 2021, amidst one of the countless strict lockdowns I have gone through as a Dutch citizen. Needless to say, this is a hard step to take in these crazy times.

It's the third Monday of January, more popularly known as Blue Monday. I feel that I am easily triggered by social interactions, that I'd usually take a lot easier, I think a lack of good sleep and some withdrawal symptoms are . I feel emotionally imbalanced, but not necessarily depressed. I have just done my sports activity for the day - I ran 4 kilometers, something I picked up last week and am intent on keeping up - had a shower afterwards and now I sit at my desk in my bedroom, it is time to get this out of my system.

Empty bottles

We're traveling back in time, 22 days ago. Christmas is over, it’s Monday morning. I have been getting wasted late nights for multiple days in a row, even after family Holiday quality time, I crack open bottle after bottle to numb myself, drinking all my worries and emotions into utter oblivion. I don't even take the effort to hide the empty bottles from my parents any longer, apathetic by. I am withering, squandering my potential as a human being and getting myself more and more depressed with every day that passes.

My stomach turns as I look in the mirror and see how I am actively suppressing everything that is wrong in my life. I try to extinguish the wildfires of fears, shame and other negative emotions with alcohol, only to see the flames reach higher and burn faster, hotter and more severely with every hangover I go through. But this is it, it has to stop. All the built up negativity ultimately collapses on me. I lay in bed, feeling broken and alone and I realize there is no other option than to quit. Cold turkey.

Fast forward 3 weeks, and I've been sober ever since, with exemption from New year’s Evening. This was and is a very important step for me to take at this point in my life. Looking back on it and writing about that addictive behavior right now, reassures me that I never want to go back to that life again. Throughout my life I have seen what it’s like to go through these episodes of substance abuse, I have seen the hurt it causes the people surrounding the addict. Ultimately, I have seen the tragic fate more than once and felt the heart wrenching pain of losing a loved one due to addiction.

I particularly went on beer binges (Pixabay; AIAC Interactive Agency)

Regret

Thinking of all that, I feel a ton of regret weighing on my shoulders. Regret of going down the same path as the people I lost due to addiction did before me, even though their mistakes warned me for where that path leads us. Regret of all the lies I told to keep myself from turning around and facing reality. Regret of all the times I hit rock bottom and had the chance to recognize the problems I have, but refused to do so. Regret of all the friends and family I have hurt due to my addictive behaviors. The list goes on and on.

But I know regrets are only wisdom coming late. Knowing so, I know wisdom has come and I am on the right path. I feel like the weight I was carrying on my shoulders is getting lighter each day that passes. Though realistically, the large amount of stress and negative emotions will take me a long time to recover. I am on antidepressants and luckily I have a therapist.

Changes

The change that sobriety brings into my life is definitely apparent on the short term. I can already notice how much more alert I am and how much more brain activity is happening throughout the day and night. From wild dreams to creative ideas at best and from agonizing panic attacks and crippling shame at worst. My mind is a whirlwind of thoughts and subsequent emotions. I have picked up running again and I feel my physical health is swiftly restoring. I have finally done a serious job on tidying and cleaning up my room and I feel like my mind has slowly become less chaotic over the past few weeks.

Quitting drinking and living a sober life from now on is such a profound experience that I feel the urge to write about it. Though I have not definitely decided And what a shame it would be if I only wrote for myself to reflect upon, as a journalist by trade it would go against my nature not to publish these stories. So this is it, The Alcoholic Times. A site on which I hope to inspire people to quit drinking.